I'll love you forever

Monday, June 21, 2010

***After I wrote this, I realized that it was a very personal post. I know that I'm kind of putting myself out there- but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. In ten years from now, I'll want to be able to remember this- the good and the bad- because that's life.

Ever since Parker turned a year old, I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on the past year. It's amazing to me how much she's changed. But not only that, it's amazing how much I've changed, and how much our marriage has changed.

I remember the night before I was supposed to be induced. Bevan and I were sitting on the couch, and I started crying. I told him that I was a little sad because it would no longer just be the two of us. But he said to me, "I know, Jess. It's going to be great, it's going to be just the three of us." From that point forward, I was very calm. Even when I went into labor at home in the middle of the night, I was calm. However, that morning when Bevan woke up at 6:30 AM ( we were supposed to be at the hospital at 7 AM to be induced)- he was NOT calm. When I told him how I had been feeling, and what my body had been doing- he was amazed that I didn't come and wake him up.
"You're in LABOR, Jessica!" he told me. But what in the hell did I know? It was my first baby!

A few hours, and a few pushes later- she was here. As soon as she came out, I started crying.
I was overwhelmed with happiness, and shock. It's such a surreal moment when you realize you're life has officially, and forever- changed.

The day after we brought her home, postpartum depression set in. And I don't know if I'm supposed to talk about this, because I don't think its politically correct- but I've never really been one to care about that sort of thing.
Looking back, I probably should have taken something for it. It affected me much worse than I was ever prepared to admit. But at the time- I only cared about breastfeeding my baby- and I knew taking a prescription for the PPD could possibly affect that.
Those 4-6 weeks after giving birth were probably the worst weeks of my life. I was walking around in a complete cloudy, dark haze. I couldn't sleep- even if my baby was sleeping. I couldn't think, and put together a complete thought.
And the worst part of all : I knew I loved my baby, but I could not feel it.
I felt nothing, other than sorry for myself. I cried, and cried, and cried because I knew it wasn't supposed to be like that.

To this day, I have a LOT of guilt for knowing that I was somewhat detached from my baby during those weeks. I know it's through no fault of my own, and it's a "natural" part of giving birth, and it was all to blame on the PPD. But that doesn't matter to me. I never ever, ever want Parker to think I don't or didn't love her- and I should have done something about it.

But after a while- it finally lifted, and it was the most amazing moment of my life. I remember going to get her in the middle of the night to feed her. As I was sitting on the couch, looking down and watching her eat- I felt this overwhelming sense of joy and love. I know this is cliche- but I literally thought my heart was going to burst with how much I loved her.
It's so hard to describe, other than it's the most pure, unfaltering love I've ever felt for anyone.
And it's been that way ever since.
To see her smile, laugh, crawl, walk, babble, and learn have been some of the best moments of my life.




She has brought Bevan and I even closer than I thought possible. She has made us a team.
In the beginning, I had a hard time leaving her with anyone, even Bevan. I had her on a schedule, and I didn't think anyone else would be able to follow it- or take care of her like I could. But I finally realized it didn't matter. He took care of her, and was so very happy to do so.
He's so patient, and kind, and loving with her.
He never gets frustrated, and lives to make her laugh.
I know I am bias, but he's honestly the best dad I've ever met. Three days a week, she stays home with him while I go to work, and he often tells me how much he loves his days at home with her.



This past year has been the best year of my life. Of course we've had hard days, sleepless nights, and frustrating moments. But I would never take back a single minute.
She has been the greatest joy- and honestly- the hardest thing I've ever done.

But more importantly, she has made us a family.
We are all bonded together, for all time and eternity- and I would never want it any other way.





To the most beautiful, charismatic, strong-willed, intelligent, and loving little girl I've ever met:

I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.